I need to steel myself.
My life, in coming days, weeks and months is going to be all about this. A movement, a change, a morphing between a previous state and an end state. Some changes occur without conscious effort, instead spurned on by some external catalyst…. heat, cold, pressure, vacuum or perhaps even the inertia from someone else’s forces. Sadly, none of the things in my future are like that. They have to originate from my own force of will.

This is a test for me. It is a private battle that I don’t want to lose. Sure, I was reminded recently, that even if I do … lose that is, that there are options, people who can be consulted, help … and provide some of that external momentum for me. Yes, thats true. I don’t want to go there. This has to be for me. I have to want this, I have to want to change these things … *enough* … to be my own catalyst. There is some part of this battle I have to win on my own first, before I can turn it over to the experts.

So, I’m not healthy. Hmm …. no, not technically true. I’m about as healthy as any overweight, almost completely sedentary person can expect to be. What I fear, what motivates me (or at least, WILL motivate me), is a combination of things. But on the forefront is a knowledge of what is to come if I change nothing. Shortened life, some form of diabetes, heart and circulatory problems, reduced mobility, exhaustion. Even that short list is scary, and its not complete.

Someone told me yesterday that it took guts to talk about this. Does it? Is my being open about this strange? I mean, I’m a fairly open person as it is, I don’t hide much … you can pretty much read me without having to try too much. There are also, I suppose, eating disorders where one disguises the true intake, and are shamed by what they have to hide. I don’t think I’ve ever taken that tack.

No, I’m not happy with my weight. But am I ashamed of it? No … I’m fairly comfortable in my own skin. The pieces, I think, that actually make me the most miserable, are the stupid tiny things. Tying shoes, bending over to pick up something off the ground, not being able to sleep comfortably, even minor exertion causing me to be winded.

So, a change is coming. A number of them. A transition to another end state. And hopefully, one that has fewer long term health risks than the state I’m in now. So for a bit here … be patient with me. I may be “off the map” for a little while. Getting my mind and my body used to a new way of doing things. I don’t even yet know what sort of consequences this will have. You can only plan so much. But its a battle I have to try …. have to win. It isn’t optional anymore.