If you know what that acronym stands for, then perhaps you will simply chuckle a bit a what follows. If not, please allow me to elucidate.

So it had been my intention to go visit my mom up in canada during my last week off, from Aug.15-19. As I remembered it, there was really only one thing that needed taking care of prior to heading up there: a speeding ticket. To my recollection (and yes, I was relying on memory, that fickle beast, having misplaced that actual ticket) the court appearance to defend my sorry ass was to be Aug.16, during the week I was going to be gone. So, on the friday before, I gave the court a call and asked what my options were. Could I come in early, pay a fine and be done with it? Could I reschedule for another date? The nice lady looked up my ticket and my records, and indicated that I should come down to the clerk’s office in the courthouse, bring what documentation I had, and they’d take care of me.

Indeed.

So I head down there, bring everything I could find about it, and stand in the clerk line to be waited on, and finally, appear before one of their clerk staff. I tell her my sob story, explain that I want to make sure that things are taken care of before I leave so that I don’t get in trouble or anything. She picks away at her computer for a bit, and eventually says to me “Ok, so … your court appearance was on August the 1st, almost two weeks ago. We’ve issued a warrant for your arrest, and unless you can pay a bond right now, the officer behind you is going to arrest you.”

*glance* … sure enough, burly officer dude, one hand at his belt where his cute little handcuff pouch is.

This is the part where I learn what FTA stands for; “Failure to Appear”. This is a big deal. Certainly, there are much more serious crimes for which an FTA would hold much more dire consequences for, but still, I have no interest in being arrested. I explain to them (both) that I don’t carry that kind of cash on me (the bond was for $280, including court fees), and that I need to go to the bank and get the money. No checks or credit cards accepted for that purpose (and I suppose, in thinking about it, rightfully so). After some verbal polka, I manage to convince them that I am not, in fact, a flight risk for a speeding ticket, and that I should be allowed to go get the bond money and return.

I do so, pay them the cash, fill out the appropriate paperwork to rearrange my court date for two weeks later, and make my way out the door, having successfully dodged what promised to be a rather annoying bullet. So there I am, walking through the parking lot, reading the fine print on this ‘bond’ document I’d been given, proving that I’d paid them cash, and promising to appear at the newly appointed time. And what text do I find as the first item in the ‘Terms and Conditions’ section? “Subject may not leave the state of Colorado until after the court appearance and the terms of the judgement have been passed and met”.

So wait. You mean I just went through all this and I still can’t go visit my Mom? So I turn right around, head back in, and wait in line again. Yup, you guessed it. New clerk, new sob story, and another 20 minute wait for the result: “Only a judge can change the terms of the bond. You’ll have to discuss it with a judge”. Ok, so what door do I go to, knock on, and get this fixed? “Sorry, you’ll have to come in monday morning when the court opens and discuss it with a judge then”. Um, wait. My flight is monday morning. Missing the flight basically pushes everything out by a full day (ever tried catching standby flights to remotest portions of canada? There is no ‘next flight’). “Sorry sir, there’s nothing we can do today, all the judges have finished their sessions for the day and have gone home”.

So, to finish off the story:

Flights cancelled, bought flowers for mom. $200 change fees on the flights, and I need to rebook within 90 days. Appeared in court, was processed very efficiently, and got out with a $60 fine and a 2 point charge for ‘defective vehicle” (think: broken taillight). Still need to rebook my visit to Mom.

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